I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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