Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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