So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
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