I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
