OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
