apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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