Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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