I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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