Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
