At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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