please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
