There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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