Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
