Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
