My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
