Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
