apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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