woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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