A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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