The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
