i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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