Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You brought string cheese to the strip club
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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