So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize
