So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
