Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Randomize
