last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
