I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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