i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
