I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
