it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
