I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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