i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
there is glitter all over my balls
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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