I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
