You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
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I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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