WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
