my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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