When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
