I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
