If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
