I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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