can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
