found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
