Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
