Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
