apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
