I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
