I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
