Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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