Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
