I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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