I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
