He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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