Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
