how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
