I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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